Here is some premium offseason content for quarantined Champion Joel Oftis, whose wife believes he has covid and hasn't seen him in months.

For those who don't know, I am currently working on an app that I am still testing for making "fun" fantasy reports. The first report I am working on is aimed at evaluating each manager's kryptonite. That is to say, who else in the league are you mostly terrible against in one way or another. For whatever reason, Rob was the first hash that registers in my map so while most reports I run will be much simpler and lacking commentary (for better or for worse), I decided to write this.

original "art" by adam mcneil

In Rob's 2 seasons "managing" Kim's Tickle Museum and Poopy Kitty Palace he has registered a 12th place finish and a 10th place finish for a final record of 8 - 18 and a win percentage of 31%. This qualifies as the worst win percentage in "manager" history, edging out Dan's 36% in a race to the bottom.

"Why the asterisk? Where's the purse?", Jared mumbled, assuming he read this far. While Jared has the most wins, he also carries 1 loss to Rob. All managers listed as 2 wins, have 0 losses against Rob and therefore the greater win percentage. Some other managers also have 2 wins, but, like our beautiful cuddly cuddle bear, J-Pop, they also carry the scarlet letter, L, so they were omitted.

Also of note, Rob's largest win differential: shellacking Jared by 67.56 points. Another interesting tidbit: Jared is the only fantasy champion* in league history to ever lose to Rob, further cementing the questions around the legitimacy of his title run.

Local fantasy powerhouse, Brian Carroll, has never beaten Rob Cortez. He is the only current fantasy manager who has played Rob and not registered a W. If Dan joins again, he will also qualify for this "honor". When asked about the possibility of Dan's return, the commissioner had this to say: "that mother fucker is never getting in this league". Spoiler alert for those who can now guess who is (was) the commissioner's biggest kryptonite. Anyway, Dan and Brian account for half of Rob's total wins.

Brian is the winningest owner in league history and finished fourth and first in the regular seasons he played against Rob. Although I haven't finished the kryptonite report feature yet, I fully suspect Rob will make a guest appearance on Brian's report.

Accounting for the rest of Rob's wins (aka other managers who have lost to Rob):
Jared, Loftis, Grace, Harvey

Anyway, hope a handful enjoyed, cuz I know I'm enjoying my handful. Feel free to check the numbers, definitely possible my code has bugs. I spot checked some things and they seem right. Also, I have been making a large list, but if you have other ideas for reports, feel free to let me know.

Insert joke about Rob's true kryptonite: blonde white women like his mom... jenny, lindsey, kelli...